No family fuss in Vietnam

Having just returned from the Tet (Vietnam’s Lunar New Year) holidays in the Mekong Delta at my in-laws’, I have gained even more insights into the Vietnamese family bond and how different family reunions can be in different cultures.

One major difference that I noticed between family gatherings back in the UK and here is the greetings when someone arrives from a long distance. Say for instance a brother or sister and their family arrive from a far-flung province or country. They arrive, people talk and give them some food and, of course, everyone is made so comfortable in one of the most welcoming countries in the world. But there is no big drama, hugs and kisses and tears. What no drama?

I love the dramatic and heartfelt airport hellos and goodbyes. I first noticed this when I arrived down the Mekong Delta for the first time with my wife. We had just spent time apart so of course when I arrived in Ho Chi Minh City, I was emotional but she basically said no Public Display of Affection (PDA) and whisked me in the taxi for the comfort of our home.

When we reached down south, the kids were so happy and excited. I’m sure the adults were too but this is just the Vietnamese way. Love is not expressed with words but with actions and feelings. The expression ‘no fuss please, we’re British’ could be applied. Keeping emotions intact but the love is there all the same.

Most of my wife’s family members live in the same village so I suppose the daily meetings take away from that ‘long time no see’ thing. When I go back to Scotland to see my family, certainly there is more of an excitement and emotion as it is more dramatic. One time I only told my sister I was coming home and she picked me up at the airport and drove me to my mum’s house. She even had to put a message on Facebook for everyone to keep schtum (quiet) about my impending arrival.

So, she stopped the car outside, I opened the gate and walked up and chapped the door of my mum’s house. This was Christmas Eve around lunchtime. My mum opened the door without really looking and then OMG she nearly had a heart attack. When she had calmed down ten minutes later, she was angry at me for not telling her I was coming home so that she could have prepared more Christmas presents. That’s what mothers are like: always thinking of everyone else.

There may be no drama with reunions or goodbyes but as my wife has a large family, there is always something going on. Babies screaming or running nearly crazy having fun, falling and being picked up, grandfather appearing on his bicycle, family checking in after arrival, dogs barking, food being prepared, food being eaten, food being prepared, food being bought. It’s all about the food for a big family.

A Vietnamese family, with a foreign bride (1st right, sitting), pose for a group photo in Ho Chi Minh City.

Foreigners coming to Vietnam who are used to sitting at the dinner table should live with a Vietnamese family for a week just for the experience. Sitting on the floor for hours hurts our legs but it is something you have to adapt to. Sitting in a tight circle with your small bowl of rice and eating your staple fish and vegetables when surrounded by the family are a real bonding experience. And of course there is the beer. When families get together the beer will flow morning, noon and night. You can’t say no either.

The house of my wife’s sisters is quite big so there was plenty of room for all the bodies. There must have been close to 20 people in the house at any one time. That is one thing I have noticed about spending time with a Vietnamese family, space is used to the full. I look back to times when I lived alone with spare bedrooms and think, what a waste when you see how large families squeeze into small homes but they are happy with their lot. And having people around adds to anyone’s general happiness. Spending time with family is great for the soul and can be therapeutic, which is why these gatherings are so important. Sometimes they are stressful, involve long journeys and you hardly have time to think, never mind rest. But they are worth all the effort and trouble.

Derek Milroy

Source: tuoitrenews.vn